Do you ever have one of those days where you wake up and you wanna crawl back under your covers and sleep until the world ends? Do you ever sit numb before the horrible reality that you can never go back to the days when your only responsibility was making a good grade on a test or a paper? Or the reality that what you loved most in the world now belongs to someone else?
A friend of mine had his bachelor party this weekend, and his best friend was in town for it. Best Friend is reserved in general, but I caught a glance at the happy couple and (whether he was actually feeling what I saw or not) my heart broke in two. I haven’t really grasped the reality that one of my best friends is married now. I haven’t really come to terms with the fact that she is now a little housewife living in a city I have never been to with a man I have never met. It shouldn’t have hit me so hard, but it did. It comes and it goes now.
I’m always on the verge of tears recently. I hate it. Being an adult was falsely advertised. I was told “fake it till you feel it,” so I faked emotions and attractions. I fake enjoyment and interest and friendliness. After I finally admitted that I didn’t want X, I told myself that I must want Y, when the reality is Z: I couldn’t care less about either. But I overcompensated. I’m supposed to want it, so I pretend I do. Because it’s weird or even wrong if I don’t.
Does it matter if I’m the odd one?
But it does.
And maybe I’m not even the odd one. Maybe I’m perfectly normal, and everyone else is brainwashed by Hollywood stereotypes and clichés. Maybe I’m the ideal, and everyone else has delusional expectations. I have no delusions left. No expectations of life or people. It’s not worth the heartache.
I’m supposed to be the cold one. Alex said that I’m actually very emotional and I pretend I’m not because I’m afraid of being emotional. I didn’t believe him at the time, but he’s right, and the impact of this discovery is too much for me. I don’t know how to handle emotions. I’ve never had them before and I’m don’t know what to do with them now. I’m so angry and frustrated all the time, and I don’t know how to react because my parents are never angry. I don’t know how to deal with other people being angry either. It’ll have nothing to do with me, and I’ll get anxious and sick to my stomach. Like I have a pathological need to be the one who fixes everything and makes everyone happy.
I didn’t used to be like this before retail. I need to find a soulless job to suit my dead heart.