The Idea of Someone

Is it possible to be in love with the idea of someone? Not with who they are, how they look, what they do, but in love with them without ever talking to them. Just from listening to them at a party, scrolling by their updates on Facebook, following them on Twitter. Is being in love with all those things really being in love with them?

I think I have a problem with this because I’m a fangirl (Superwholock, Harry Potter, Mortal Instruments, you name it). I’m used to being love with people I’ll meet (actors like Benedict, Tom, Jensen, Matt, and David; YouTubers like Dan and Phil; and even fictional characters like Percy, Sam, Jace, and Ron). The process goes a little like this:

I watch an episode of Supernatural.
Dean shows up like an avenging angel and kills someone sentient but evil.
Sam and Dean have a talk and one of them storms off.
Dean cries.
I see Dean crying.
I become consumed with the desire to find Dean and hug away all his darkness.
I think, “Jensen is an incredible actor.”
I am now in love with Jensen.

Here’s the problem: Jensen is not a self-loathing, self-sacrificing, stubborn hunter. Jensen is a Texan with a baby girl and bow legs and eyes like honey in a green glass jar. So who/what am I really in love with?

My fangirl personality is leaking into real life now. There’s a guy I don’t really know, that when I listen to him talking, I start mentally writing fanfiction of an AU where we are friends. I don’t think this is healthy or safe. What if we actually become friends? I’m going to have an entire history with him that doesn’t exist.

Aughhhhhhhhhh

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